


One of the Boys

by CaptainDog



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Pre-Relationship, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus Lupin, Trans Sirius Black, Unconditional Love, references to bigotry and unintentional abuse, they’re like 13 here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:42:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24927865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDog/pseuds/CaptainDog
Summary: Remus has a lot to hide
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 91





	One of the Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck joanne kathleen, fuck total fandom escapism, and also read another fucking book (maybe Angela Davis, Michelle Alexander, or Robin DiAngelo. If it’s gotta be fiction try Rivers Solomon, N.K. Jemisin, and Octavia Butler). But also millennial transesTM can have little a projection onto childhood faves. As a treat.

“Oi, Lupin.”

Remus stops in his tracks on his way out of the dormitory. He’d thought they were all still asleep. Not that he’s up to anything nefarious, but he doesn’t want an audience. And if he had been up to something nefarious, he’d surely have included them. He glances over his shoulder to see James and Sirius both sitting up in bed. Peter is still snoring away. James’s hair is characteristically disheveled, but his dark eyes are alert. Sirius, on the other hand, looks like he could fall back into his pillows at any moment. 

“Er...yeah?” Remus finally says. 

“Where are you off to so early?”

“Library.”

“It’s Saturday,” James scoffs. 

Remus can only shrug. 

“Stay a minute. We want to talk to you.” 

James, always so full of good humor, looks serious. Sirius, waking up a bit, throws a pillow at Peter’s sleeping form. The other boy snuffles but doesn’t wake. Sirius rolls his eyes. He whispers “ _ Wingardium leviosa! _ ” and guides Peter’s own pillow into the air until his head thumps down on the mattress. Peter grunts and sits up at once, looking around groggily. Sirius starts to snicker, but James shoots him a glare that quiets him. 

Now they’re all looking at Remus. His blood feels icy. He’d thought they were his friends. His very best friends, like he’d never had before. What had they found out?

“So, what are you researching in the library?” James asks casually.

Remus swallows in an effort to keep his throat from feeling so dry. “Just some...transfiguration principles. Getting a head start.” 

“Interesting,” James replies, drawing out the word. 

“What’s this about?” Remus snaps. If they’re going to out him - although as to what, he’s not sure - he wishes they’d just get on with it.

“I thought you trusted us more, mate. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

James actually looks hurt. Remus isn’t sure he’s ever seen that expression on him. 

Sirius pipes in. “Of course we understand keeping it secret. But, well. It wasn’t hard to figure out.” 

Remus is sure his face is ashen. His heart thunders in his ears. His stomach rockets somewhere towards his knees. But which secret had he failed at keeping?

“We don’t think any worse of you,” Peter says, and then, “Do we, chaps?”

James and Sirius murmur agreement. 

“In fact, it’s wicked cool,” James adds. “Of course there’s stigma and all that, but come on, Remus. You know we’re not like that.”

Remus relaxes minutely. 

“How did you...find out?”

“Well it was obvious you were hiding something,” Sirius says. “But Peter got the clue we needed.”

Peter goes pink at the praise. “I was having trouble with the moon phase tracking in Astronomy. So I drew them out in a kind of chart, and…”

“And it gave us the idea. It’s always the full moon nights you get sick and have to spend the night and next day in the hospital wing,” James says. 

Sirius snorts. “He’s not been in the hospital wing. Can you imagine? He’d have eaten some poor bugger with a cold by now.”

Remus’s hackles rise. “I’ve never- I wouldn’t-”

“Of course not,” James waves a hand at him. 

“Professor Dumbledore must have some arrangement made for you,” Peter chimes in. “Where  _ do _ you go every month?”

Remus looks at his three friends’ bright eyes. Not a bit of fear or disgust in them. They probably don’t truly grasp what Remus’s condition is really like, nor do they know his other secret. But maybe he can give them a chance. He’s a Gryffindor after all. Trusting is a kind of bravery. 

He goes to sit down on his own bed, giving his shaky legs a break. 

“There’s this old abandoned house just outside Hogsmeade village. Professor Dumbledore got it all set up for me. Started rumors so the locals would think it’s haunted. Ghouls and poltergeists and the nastiest sort of ghosts. He charms the doors so I can’t get out. I usually do have to spend the next day in the hospital wing, though.”

He’s breathing hard, as if that had been a longer speech than it was. But his chest does feel somewhat lighter. 

Sirius frowns. “Does the transformation hurt you? I’ve never heard of that.”

“Oh, no.” Remus shakes his head. “I mean, I  _ do _ have to sleep it off. Not exactly a good night’s sleep, you know. But also...well, I wake up with a lot of cuts and bruises. I guess I spend the night trying to escape.”

“Couldn’t Dumbledore tie you up or something? Keep you from hurting yourself?” Peter asks. 

Remus shudders. Of course, Peter can’t know how Remus spends his time at home during full moons. How much freer he is at Hogwarts, even if he is locked up. At least it’s a whole house, not just a dank cellar. The cellar’s really the only option, so he can’t blame his parents, but it’s still awful. “I’d rather wake up hurt,” he says. 

They all have the sense not to inquire further about that detail. 

Giving up on the library for now, Remus goes to sit on his own bed. He feels very much like he did on the train in their first year, when three other boys had barged their way into his lonely compartment. They hadn’t seemed to notice his shabby clothes or gaunt look. In fact, James had made a show of stuffing them all with sweets and leading them into a raucous conversation, drawing them all out of their shells. He’d been so enthusiastic, Remus had known that it wasn’t just pity. 

“We’ve got to find a solution, don’t we?” Sirius says. 

“A solution? You know there’s no cure-”

Sirius cuts him off. “Of course I know there’s no cure  _ yet _ . We’re brilliant; maybe one of us will invent it someday. But I meant about you waking up all battered once a month.”

“What do you suggest?” Remus asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“We could sneak in after you. Keep you occupied so you’re not throwing yourself at walls.”

“You’re mad, Black. I’d kill you!”

“There’s three of us and one of you. Give us some credit, Moony.”

Remus wants to argue, but he can’t get past  _ Moony _ . 

“What was that?”

Sirius grins. So young, and he’s already oozing charisma. Remus bets this is how he’ll flirt, once he decides girls are worth his time. “Your new nickname. Like it?”

Remus wrinkles his nose. “I don’t think so. It’s not exactly subtle, is it?”

Sirius barks out a laugh. “Says the boy called Remus Lupin? Is your middle name Romulus? Or maybe it’s Wolfgang.”

Remus’s cheeks heat. He’d picked out his own first name, after all. 

Sirius softens. “Still going to the library?”

Remus shrugs. “Might fancy a walk, now.” He has a lot to think about.

“I’ll come with you.” Sirius doesn’t give room for argument. Remus’s gut twists. He doesn’t want them all following him. He needs to decompress alone. Sirius stares at him strangely, as if trying to communicate telepathically. 

James stretches, yawning loudly. “I’ve got to get some flying practice in. Coming, Peter?”

Peter scrambles out of bed, though he casts a nervous glance at Remus. 

“Go on,” Remus smiles. “Thanks, you lot. Really. Not everyone would be this understanding.”

“‘Course, Remus,” James says. “I’m not gonna drop my friends at the first sign of trouble.” He slides out of bed, nonchalantly changing into his flying kit.

Remus averts his eyes. It’s always tempting to look when one of the boys changes. Not for any dirty reason. Just curiosity, studying what a boy’s body should be like. He’s careful never to change in front of anybody. 

“Still...thanks,” he mutters. 

Sirius gets up too. He starts to pull on the muggle-made combat boots he’s so fond of, not bothering to change out of his pyjamas. He throws a cloak over his shoulders. “Ready, Moony?”

Remus nods. 

Still, they wait a few minutes more for James and Peter to get ready. They all leave Gryffindor Tower together, now easing into conversation about James’s upcoming Quidditch tryout. He’s younger than most hopefuls, but he really can fly. Remus’s mind is still stuck on what they know, how they’d reacted. 

They split up at the door, James with a Peter-shaped shadow heading to an open area perfect for flying. Sirius lets Remus take the lead towards the lake. They walk in silence for a while, munching on the pastries they’d taken from the breakfast tables on the way out. Most other students are still in bed. By noon, the grounds will be filled with them, enjoying the last of the decent weather before winter starts to creep into the air. They trail along the edge of the lake. Sirius has got his hands in his pockets, strolling along so casually Remus half waits for him to start whistling. 

He slows down as they get further from the castle. Remus watches him out of the corner of his eye. He’d gotten the impression that Sirius wanted to talk, but what about? Maybe he’s not all right with Remus’s condition, but knew the others would admonish him. He starts to work himself up to asking a question when Sirius nudges his shoulder gently. 

“I know. About the other...thing.” 

Remus doesn’t say anything. His heart freezes in place and he stops walking. He can’t bear this, can’t bear to have  _ everything _ out in the open. He’s already a freak, can’t they just leave well enough alone? 

“James and Peter figured out the werewolf thing. I didn’t really...I was paying more attention to other things you’ve been hiding.” 

Remus chances a look at Sirius’s face. His eyes are soft. He looks...vulnerable. Which makes no sense; Remus is the vulnerable one here. 

“I really wasn’t trying to pry, I swear. I know we can be nosy gits, but I just couldn’t help noticing.”

“Please...don’t tell anyone,” Remus whispers. 

Sirius looks askance. “Tell...no, Remus. That’s why I wanted to talk out here. James and Peter will be fine about it, but it’s really not their business, not unless you want to tell them.” 

“And why is it  _ your _ business?”

Sirius offers a tentative smile. “Because you’re like me.”

Remus stares, astonished. 

“My parents are absolute nightmares about it. Still insist on calling me Cassiopeia. I mean,  _ honestly _ . Even if I’d agreed about being a girl, I wouldn’t be a  _ Cassie _ .” 

“But you...but you’re so…”

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “So what? It’s not as if you’re all that girlish. Nobody else has guessed.”

“But I’ve seen you without a shirt.”

“My parents are rotten, but they do have money. When I wouldn’t back down, they agreed to get me some high end potions. Mostly to shut me up. They still hope I’ll change my mind and stop taking them. But Dumbledore, he’s got the right of it. Even sent my letter to “Sirius Black,” registered me under that name and everything.”

Remus cracks a smile. Dumbledore had done that for him, too. Well, he’d sent a letter to  _ Young Master Lupin _ . Remus hadn’t quite picked his name out, yet. 

“What potions do you take?” He thinks of Sirius’s perfectly flat chest.

Sirius chuckles. “Bet you want some, don’t you? I’d share, but it’s brewed for me. I think for you it’d end up like a bad Polyjuice. It’s just a kind of de-aging elixir. Keeps me from...maturing in certain ways. There’s better ones that’ll make more permanent changes. My parents’ll never give permission, so I’ve got to wait until I can get out from under their grasp.” 

“I could probably get permission, but we’d never be able to afford it.” 

“Don’t be silly,” says Sirius. “You’ve got Black  _ and _ Potter money.”

“I can’t-”

Sirius waves a hand. “We’re gonna help you, whether you ask or not. You can’t refuse. Anyway, I was  _ actually _ thinking we could learn to brew it ourselves. There’s some good illusion charms too that I’ve been meaning to try.” 

Remus’s eyes go wide. “Yeah? Yeah, we could…” He clears his throat. “That’s actually...something I’ve been looking into when I go to the library. Spells and potions that’ll change one’s body. Even magical medical procedures.”

“Looks like we’ve got a lot of work to do,” Sirius says with a wide grin. “Hey, want to see if we can scare James off his broom?”

Remus grins back. “Yeah.” 

They tear off back towards the castle, laughing and running until their lungs burn. Remus has never felt more like one of the boys. 

**Author's Note:**

> god I haven’t written hp fic since I was like 13 and I didn’t think I’d start now of all times. But I can’t resist putting my trans hands all over that racist terf’s property and I needed something to do in my off time at work


End file.
